A Christmas Mystery

Did I get forwarded a letter from eastern Europe, or is this the most beautiful gotcha ever?

timsteil heads to AskMe to ask this burning question, about a letter he describes as thus:

Obviously chewed up in the mail, and missing some pages, all I got was the last one. It is possiblly the most wonderful, genuine thing I have received in a long time. My address is clearly done with a printer, but the letter itself seems hand-typed with a blotty ribbon. the paper is crumpled, and coffee stained. […]

The return address is from Romanian MidAtlantic Postage Recovery, 82.5 S. Cicero, Chicago. Underneath that it says “We’re apologize for missing contents. Merry Christmas.” It has a foreign ( I assume Romanian) postmark, with a US stamp placed over it. With a large ink fingerprint on front and back of envelope. There is no such address, nor is that company listed anywhere I can Google. […]

The more I read it, there seems to be a lot of disagreement within it the letter itself. Using perfect English in one part, then writing in “an accent” as lacedcoffee noticed, and talking about nuclear factories and breadlines, then Marlboros and DVDs. Plus it just seems to hash up too many American stereotypes of eastern Europe. If this IS a Xmas joke, I have been frickin humbled by the sheer effort and creativity involved, and owe someone a beer. 

After initially leaving the text of the letter out, he ends up posting the whole letter. It is a must read.

…so other than problem with mule, it was good year.

Papa came home from hospital vit no spleen again. Last time doctor say not spleen but this time he got right. Viktor make bed in kitchen du papa und papa always complain about too much cabbage and greasy and smoking all the time. I tell poppa hey poppa, you smoking too like Russian car you smoke, but poppa he just drinking Svedya and laughing and go pee pee into coal chute.

Viktor joing army this year and specializing in petrol patrolling. Him and Yadvik go on patrol in uniforms finding tourist and stopping them and removing petrol and fining. It is not hard work. Is good work. He bringing home petrol for cooking and Marlboros from Americanjyiks. Viktor has girlfriend Janya working on soccer balll factory making soccer balls. She is one putting Spaulding on balls you play soccer and you play Spaulding ball is like you touch her hand. I don’t recommend touching her hand though as Viktor is very protective and we do not want to have to pay policia again. So best not to touch her hand. But soccer is ok.

Aunt YVania is living with us in parlour with Grigori. All the time with bitch and pencil penis is like watching cartoon from Americanj> Me and poppa in kitchen laughing like crazy and drinking Svedya. I go into living room and opening drawers and talking to self and YVania saying what do you need looking for? Why you cant say shush and I saying need a pencil. Just a little one — Wait as minute, hey Grigori, you got a little pencil? Grigori turn like tomato and coughing like in old days at factory. Says shutting up old woman and I say no cabbage for you lkittle pencil. YVania getting better from losing leg. Maybe stop bleeding next week. Maybe get new leg made by Uncle Pitor from Bdsxt. Pitor make fake Louisville Sluggers for sale to little leeg in Amerikanja. Even have great big lathe to make all kinds of turning thing and he make leg for YVania.Even put Louisville Slugger burn into wood so maybe YVania more lucky when she come to Amerikanja. You put her in basement next to second cousin Jeppa from Minsk.

Grigori is having a good year in the ministry. His beard almost long enough to be priest and we selling the black goat to get for him the silver and ribbon for making his beard ornament to make him official and also make him better than that fat priest Osvaldt, always come by and drinking Svedya but never say hello to poppa because poppa one time win his Malkta in card game. He can eat whole pot of cabbage and chicken and beer and still ask for coffee and cake. Is ok, though, he is going to Philadelphia and Grigori will take his place. Old disease from Ukranian ministry to girls factory dorms is getting better but he must pay too much for palimony and fee for lawyer. Still,he is good man. I hope he gets out of bed this year.

Little Arnaud is musician now. I did not go to education so I am sometimes not so sure about classical music or bbusiness but Arnaud sometimes maybe too much like TV for me. His room is black,his bed; his clothes,black;hius hairblack; his floors and walls all paint black. He sit in room smoking cigaraettes and listening to headphones and making computer music no hears. Always tells me get out! get out! but with love. He play me song and I smiling and saying good good but I tell you it sounds like an argument between a vacuum cleaner and a train. Squeak squeak squeak then boom! boom! boom! and then sound of traffic and crickets and Arnaud screaming about his boots. I dont understand but I try to tell Arnaud nice things and maybe become famous and get tan.

Vilchik the dog is doing much better but missing so much intestine now makes for difficult days sometimes. I keep a bucket in the shed anbd he lay there and listens to warning sirens from nucklear factory all day. I come out and his tail thumping on garage floor and I use turkey baster and feed him and hold him over bucket right away and mop. he is good dog. Not too much for fetch, but for saying look there is the dog he is perfect.

We are looking forward to good Christmas again this year. I got for poppa a pack of Pravda cigarettes still with the plastic and bread-libe ticket sealed inside. I have one match for each cigarette. For Grigori, I sold goat, like I said, and Orvinis is making silver hoops from old Soviet coffee maker and Aunt Slvekyik is making ribbon from retread fabric from Romanian dual walled tyre. Very pricey. For YVania I make two blue babuska from rice bags and stole a magazine from the hospital and for Arnaud I am pretending I don’t appreciate Christmas and for an hour I listen to his squeaky record and smoke and say right right right over and over. I think poppa giving me a handkerchief full of goat milk butter from Paschta. Her goat is very fat and the butter will be good and taste not too much from chemical from plant.

Well, sirens are insistent so we all going into basement again. I hope letter finding you welll and good. May god be with you and please sending maybe a pack of Marlboros of DVD.

Merry Christmases

Olga Crzmikksics.

For all those who care, the burning question of the letter’s authenticity was eventually answered.